We never went to Bishkek. In fact, days befor we were supposed to go we got the medical records we were waiting for. The child we were hoping to adopt had more than just a simple affliction and after a grat deal of debate we decided not to accept the referral. It was heart breaking and we felt aweful about it. I can't express how bad we feel about saying no. There is anedless list of unspeakable names I have called myself since. But my sister gave me some great advice and has been there for some grown-up moral support. I wasn't expecting that from an 18yr old. But I am happy she was there for me and my family.

Now we are back on the waiting list... and it looks like it's going to be a long wait.

We have been fighting the bank wire transfer battle for a while now and once more just as things cleared up, the same day something huge happens with our adoption.

Now that the people involved have been paid we have been asked the very awaited, but scary question...
"So, When can YOU travel?"

Of course I stupidly answered "Tomorrow if you want" which wasn't really true but I was excited about being asked. So once more the wheels have begin to turn and our agency wants us to travel soon... very soon.

BUT, and ofcourse there has to be a but. My husband still hasn't got his passport back from teh franch embassy. Now we will be pressured by every little second! We are going to have to ask for an emergancy passport... normally reserved for urgent serious famly matters (and no, the French government does not consider adoption a "serious" matter)

Lastly, they want us to go and accept the referral of the little boy I mentioned last month in my blog. But we still don't have any more information on him, his health or the gravity of his special need. I don't know how comfortable I am going to Bishkek with almost no information about a child I am supposed to adopt. What happens if once we get there we find out that his special need is more severe than we hoped for??? How moral is it to refuse a referral...after all you don't get the choice when you have a bio child.

It is all hapening so fast and I'm feeling a bit "led blindfolded". I don't feel like my agency is pressuring me or anything, I just feel a little overwhelmed by the sudden invitation to travel and the lack of information.

Well that's then news ... Let me digest it a little more and I'll write agian soon

OK, so we are back from vacation and all is well (Or, as good as expected after 2 weeks with the mother in law)
We have thought a lot about the little boy and were hoping for some more information about him upon our return but alas ... NO. For the moment he is in the orphanage and awaiting his social worker visit to insure that he is indeed legally cleared for adoption. Therefore, all of his medical records remain secret for the moment. Until we know more about his condition we can't consult with doctors and we can't know if this is something that we can assume. Trust me, my thoughts go far beyond finance, emotion education or duress. I want my children to have normal lives and since he is adopted, normal is already not an option. But the least I can do is offer my son something that looks like normal.

Funny how you wish and prey for a referral and the day it comes in you find yourself asking questions you would be ashamed of uttering in public. I know that we have made the right choice about thise little boy. Now all we have to do is wait to know more. Then we will be able to make our choice official and public.

On a more fun note, I have done lots of different things while waiting throughout the adoption process. Everything from folding paper cranes to building wooden toys. But I haven't bought any clothes, bedding or nusery stuff. Recently we have been talking about names. We used to want Xavier...but Chris dosen't like the way I say the name (His French and sensitive to silly stuff like that). Over the weekend, while looking at the litte boy's photo we both came up with another name we both like... and suddenly the boy seemed less like a photo and more like ... well something else and clearly over sensitive and hopeful.

We came up with Yago (Iago/Jago), the name is from Spain for "Jacob".
Our daughter is Kirsten, a name from Sweadish for "Christine"

I don't want a French or American name for any of my children. I love both cultures and countries, it's just a personal taste thing.

Oh... if only I knew more then I would have more to write.

Things are moving at last. We got the good news about our dossier on thursday and friday we were off on vacation. Chris, Kitty and I drove a grulling 7 hours from England to St. Malo France for a 2 week break. Lucky enough for us there was some serious sunshine awaiting our arrival. We played some golf, visited with family and relaxed as a family. This morning we dropped Kitty off at her grandmothers and now we are in Paris for a 4 day lovers weekend.

It's nice to have some time alone, one on one, to reflect on recent events. Since the agency doesn't have any new news for us about the little boy we may wish to adopt (we are waiting for further medical exams to be done) the best thing to do is to relax and enjoy the calm... if possible.

Tonight, dinner with friends and no adoption or Kitty talk! (I don't know how long I will be able to hold out but I'm gonna try!)

The last few months of our adoption have been turbulent to say the least. Bad news after Bad news fell upon us like English rain. All day, all night, every day. Recently we were at the bring of total despair and almost ready to give up. But then the impossible happened... Where a door was shut a window opened.

At last, a ray of new hope entered our lives. We found a way to finish our dossier without the missing FBI clearance (a document which proved impossible to get)

As of this moment our dossier is off for translation! In a matter of days it will be done. Then back to us here in the UK where we will finish the details of Certification and legalization. Then off to Kyrgyzstan.

And I must add a touch of serendipity to the story... There may be a TINY chance that we can already be matched with a, minor special needs, baby Asian boy. There are details to consider and insure before making any happy proclamations...most importantly if he is still available or not!

Most of these details I may not choose to blog... not at least until things are more "official". And even then, we have been through the ringer lately and although I want to remain positive... we must remain calm and cautious.

(secretly I am praying that this special child will be OUR child and that there is actually light at the end of this tunnel! I'm doing a little happy Chandler dance now that no one is looking... )

We decided to send the dossier to the agency for translation while we wait for the FBI check to arrive.

We are still having problems with the USCIS and out I 171H. Clearly there is some sort of misscommunication going on. A simple change of country shouldn't be so difficult but recently it has become our most troublesome problem. Neither our agency nor the USCIS here in London can agree on what needs to be done.

In a few days we will be on vacation. I hate leaving things undone! I only hope that these lastbits work out soon. I really need to feel like something is going right!

Of corse nothing has really changed. But our agency is trying to see if there are any corners that we can cut, being that we live in England and there is an open Kyrgyz Embassy nearby. This week, I read about a family that, only days after they finished the dossier,were given a referral! I remember hearing of such wonderous events when we started the process for Vietnam and I was filled with hope and joy. Now I feel a bit worried. Seems to me that luck in adoption is not my fate.
The landlord will sign and notarize his letter, our social worker will approve our homestudy for the USCIS, and we have an appointment with Scotland Yard for the FBI fingerprints.

Soon all of this will be over and we can safely be on the waiting list for our little Xavier. I was speaking to Chris the other day and we both agree that this has gone on far too long. We really want to move from our current house to one cheaper & closer to town but until the adoption is over we can't move. We can't count on future expenses, can't budget the rest of the year, can't take a good vacation... can't do much really, besides wait.

Oh gosh! if any one has God's ear... mind tugging on it for us?

Today is an odd day. I just got our old dossier back from Vietnam. It brings an uncomfortable feeling of failure...there in black and white. But who's failure? Not ours, not our agency but that of two friendly governments picking at each other like school girls.

I am really sad that our adoption in Vietnam didn't go through. Yet, I hold on to faith that Kyrgyzstan will work out. Honestly, we could not possible continue on towards a 3rd country financially. Even with the tiny refund we received from LNI. I can hardly make myself believe that our adoption will have gone over the 40k usd mark once finished. Sometimes, as much as I hate to think about it, I wish we were celebrities and problems such as these didn't exist. I used to defend the Jolie-Pitt family when others said they fast tracked their adoption... now I am not so sure. I just don't see how their adoption went through so fast and a year later we are accepting the failure of our own.

We are only two papers away from completing our dossier for Kyrgyzstan and yet the embassy in the US remains closed. I hope, once the papers have arrived, that I can use the Embassy here in London to speed things along.

There are a list of things that need to be done now that we are in the DOSSIER stage of our adoption. The agency has our old dossier from Vietnam and with any luck a majority of those documents will be useful.

I have been lucky enough to have someone, that knows me and my husband very well, in the states whom is a Notary Public and has our signatures on record. I sent this morning a pile of papers to her to notarise.

With this done, the only two documents missing would be:
1. The amended I-171H form from the CIS
2. A FBI Identity Clearance

Our social worker is sending the new home studies as we speak. I only pray that we can use what is left from the old dossier and that all of this goes smoothly. I feel like we have had enough bumps already.

The new agency is nice enough, but harder to reach than LNI. I miss the family feeling at LNI, but in all fairness we were with them for more than a year. If only I could have some sign of hope in the near future.

I don't believe in fate. If I did I would have to give up on the idea of free will, which is God's first promise to us. However I want to think, from time to time, that there is a plan. But logically I know there is not. What I do believe is that bad things can happen to good people and it is no one's fault, But God is there to guide us through the darker times so that we may find some solace. I can only hope that God is guiding us now through our loss in Vietnam towards some comfort and joy. His intention may not have been Vietnam, nor Kyrgyzstan for our son, but I believe that he respects his promise of free will and is doing what he can to save our hearts from another disappointment.

We've seen the notary, signed the contract, sent the home study and paperwork to USCIS for updating. We've sent the bank information to our bank and requested the wire transfer to go through.

Looks like we are on our way. I have spoken with our agency about the aparent hold up and they claim that they are not affected. I will have to take thier word for it. It's not like there is much of a choice.

Some things could be more reassuring but for the moment I'm a little stressed out. I need something positive to happen... and soon.

I have folded my 1000th paper crane, now I have to wait and see if my wish will come true. By June 20th, if the cranes work, we will have a referral.

If not, I guess I'll fold another 1000. I don't know what else to do. I might even keep folding just to keep the tradition and my hands busy.

Mother's Day (French Culture - the one we celebrate at home) is Sunday. I want to take a moment and get something nice for Florence (Mother in Law) since she will be with us starting tomorrow.

Oh if only ... if only. *sigh* if only something would happen.